It’s funny how the end of your job and the end of a relationship with a woman can be so similar. Now before I hear any bitching about how it can be the same with the end of a relationship with men let me remind you I typically don’t date or have sex with men for under 50,000 Euros and eight shots of Jack. But back to the fact that the same resentment one has as the end of the job gets closer and more obvious is almost the same as he has at the end of his romantic encounter with a girl.

Sure at the beginning everyone was so excited. I mean have you ever started a new job or a new relationship and think to yourself, “This is going to suck balls”. Of course not, none of us do. Remember in the beginning you used to put in that extra effort, showing up to work an hour early. You’re shirt was ironed and extra krispy. You willingly volunteered for assignments and would jump in with both hands helping out coworkers just to make a name for yourself. With your girl you’d spray that expensive cologne on, you wore a dress shirt for dinners. When you picked her up you’d open doors. There was foreplay when it came to sex.

But along the way or maybe after a couple of years something changes. What was once exciting and new is now old and stale. We’ve grown past our positions or away from it. The job isn’t as challenging or at some point just became disappointing. We start taking the job or the girl for granted thinking to ourselves how lucky they are to have us. They start taking us for granted asking us to actually work or to “hold them” after sex. It just gets annoying. When we realize this isn’t what we want we get into bad moods and it comes through in our performance. We come in late, shirts wrinkled, with a cream cheese stain on our tie. When Betty in AR demands the monthly AP adjustment sheets we tell her sure and then whisper under our breath for her to eat a dick. With our girls it’s no more nice cologne, not even a shower it’s just straight axe on my balls. Opening her car door when we go out for a nice dinner? Sheeeiiiiiiiiit, bitch better jump, tuck, and roll out this motherfucker when we pull up at Wendy’s. Now foreplay has dwindled down to spitting on her vag right before you stick it in…wait that’s kind of hot.

But why do we stay for so long when we know it’s time to peace out? Simple, looking for and finding a new job in a recession is like trying to go out and find a single hot chick in Canada in the middle winter… all the good ones are taken. So you got to work with what you got but you keep one eye open for something better to come along. You innocently flirt with other options. That little company right there is working with a phat bonus program. Mommy over the street is shaking her health benefits at you. That sexy little firm whispered in your ear that you can work it from home two days a week. But you’re not going to just leave for a fling. You want it to be the real deal. Everyone knows you don’t end it when you don’t have something better already lined up to take its place. We all want that satisfaction of having that talk. You’re all dressed up; you sit her down, wait for her to finish eating even order desert. Hell things might have even been good for the last couple of weeks. But then you let her know that you haven’t been satisfied in a while, you’re tired of taking her shit and you feel like you’ve outgrown the relationship. Tell her the problem is her not you then you list all the things that make her suck at life. Right when she gets to asking if there’s someone else that’s when the upgrade walks up in a sexy red dress and high heels, looking thicker than a snicker (in all the right ways). You throw down a couple of bucks for your half of the meal, tell her to buck up and you’ll always be friends, then swagger out with the new piece.